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I break the silence of months....
Oct. 20th, 2013 10:39 am...because I feel somehow I have to share something online and while I don't know if anyone will read it still I must.
I feel something like a beachball bobbing on the open ocean at the moment. I feel alone and not sure what I am doing or where I am going. I haven't felt like this since Edinburgh 6 years ago, this same flatness.
I think in a large part it is because I am tired and winter is coming. I am working a lot and irregular hours ($$$$!) but at the same time I don't really have the mental space to recover.
I am deeply, deeply, deeply worried about my family. There has been a damoclean sword over our heads for a while anyway - worries about money, Dad's illness, my brother going nowhere in his life. My sister is doing her nursing training, has not got her bursary and is frankly losing it. She has split up with her boyfriend (the father of her baby) and rather cruelly I cannot help but wish she had seen his deficiencies before she got pregnant. Mum is wearing herself ragged with childcare and sister is shrieking every time Mum does something even slightly off. Added to this Mum is still suffering from her childhood when she lost her father and was not allowed to grieve. Sister has a personality rather like my grandmother and I think Mum has always been rather scared of her. She's going for counselling but a big part of me is wondering whether I should go home to support my family. But I don't want to go back to the UK at the moment (look at the government!), I would not be earning (and financial independence is very important) and, at a deeper level, I want to lead my life.
And this autumn I have been increasingly feeling that yes, I do actually want a home and family of my own. Lord knows my love life has always been non-existent to dismal but I don't know that it is too much to want a companion. But in Moscow there is I feel, not a lot of hope. Russian women do have a certain mystique and most foreign men here are after one and I do not want a Russian man! I've lost weight, I am not unintelligent and my liveliness is I believe attractive. Yet I literally have no clue about how to go about attracting a man and I don't know how other women do it. It seems a foolish admission from a 32 year old but still it's how I feel.
I have my friends of course, I have a decent social life, but last night we went out and we had a nice evening but I wanted to unburden myself but it was not the time for it, everyone just wanted a good time. I didn't begrudge them but I felt lonely. I daydream a lot but it's like a drug and can't help me with the real issue.
For these reasons I have been wondering whether to stay in Moscow, but also this week there was an alarming incident. Last week an ethnic Russian was murdered and the accused is an Azaeri. Consequently nationalist groups have been attacking Caucasian migrants. the police have arrested many agitators but they have also arrested many migrant workers and the mood is ugly. I don't know if I can stay in such an openly racist environment.
And yet what will I do? I have been planning to do another degree (environmental studies) but I am wondering if I really want to do it. I am slightly afraid of moving back to the UK because I don't want to live with my parents yet I am also afraid of moving to another city because of making friends, now is the time of life when people of my age are settling and babying and it's harder. I want to change my life, I don't want to teach much longer. I want to write the biography of my great grandmother and her sisters I've been talking about for yonks but and I brave enough to do it?
Well, I am going to the pub this afternoon and I hope I can meet new friends. I can't leave the country for another few weeks as my visa is being prolonged. I still have work to do.
I feel something like a beachball bobbing on the open ocean at the moment. I feel alone and not sure what I am doing or where I am going. I haven't felt like this since Edinburgh 6 years ago, this same flatness.
I think in a large part it is because I am tired and winter is coming. I am working a lot and irregular hours ($$$$!) but at the same time I don't really have the mental space to recover.
I am deeply, deeply, deeply worried about my family. There has been a damoclean sword over our heads for a while anyway - worries about money, Dad's illness, my brother going nowhere in his life. My sister is doing her nursing training, has not got her bursary and is frankly losing it. She has split up with her boyfriend (the father of her baby) and rather cruelly I cannot help but wish she had seen his deficiencies before she got pregnant. Mum is wearing herself ragged with childcare and sister is shrieking every time Mum does something even slightly off. Added to this Mum is still suffering from her childhood when she lost her father and was not allowed to grieve. Sister has a personality rather like my grandmother and I think Mum has always been rather scared of her. She's going for counselling but a big part of me is wondering whether I should go home to support my family. But I don't want to go back to the UK at the moment (look at the government!), I would not be earning (and financial independence is very important) and, at a deeper level, I want to lead my life.
And this autumn I have been increasingly feeling that yes, I do actually want a home and family of my own. Lord knows my love life has always been non-existent to dismal but I don't know that it is too much to want a companion. But in Moscow there is I feel, not a lot of hope. Russian women do have a certain mystique and most foreign men here are after one and I do not want a Russian man! I've lost weight, I am not unintelligent and my liveliness is I believe attractive. Yet I literally have no clue about how to go about attracting a man and I don't know how other women do it. It seems a foolish admission from a 32 year old but still it's how I feel.
I have my friends of course, I have a decent social life, but last night we went out and we had a nice evening but I wanted to unburden myself but it was not the time for it, everyone just wanted a good time. I didn't begrudge them but I felt lonely. I daydream a lot but it's like a drug and can't help me with the real issue.
For these reasons I have been wondering whether to stay in Moscow, but also this week there was an alarming incident. Last week an ethnic Russian was murdered and the accused is an Azaeri. Consequently nationalist groups have been attacking Caucasian migrants. the police have arrested many agitators but they have also arrested many migrant workers and the mood is ugly. I don't know if I can stay in such an openly racist environment.
And yet what will I do? I have been planning to do another degree (environmental studies) but I am wondering if I really want to do it. I am slightly afraid of moving back to the UK because I don't want to live with my parents yet I am also afraid of moving to another city because of making friends, now is the time of life when people of my age are settling and babying and it's harder. I want to change my life, I don't want to teach much longer. I want to write the biography of my great grandmother and her sisters I've been talking about for yonks but and I brave enough to do it?
Well, I am going to the pub this afternoon and I hope I can meet new friends. I can't leave the country for another few weeks as my visa is being prolonged. I still have work to do.
